They kissed, one of those long, wet, ten minute embraces with groping and fondling and moaning, the kind they had enjoyed as teenagers when kissing was fun and mysterious and the ultimate.

i  get absorbed like everyone else, in people and in things.
im not unhappy when im happy, but when the things im absorbed in leave me i feel paralyzed.
i want these things, and so i became dependent on them for happiness, even though they are happiness. its that middle ground im supposed to achieve, where i care but not fully.
it's a bullshit lesson, to feel half alive or half there to avoid codependency. i wish someone wanted to depend on me, that way we'd both be wrong.

its when i find myself up at 2 am that i ask myself what am i waiting for, is there really going to be a ring at final call.

i deserve the biggest and best prize, im human, we all deserve these things, but i deserve them more. i want it more, and im not afraid to put my entire self out there.

my projects are going to consume me soon, and its in tune with what happening at the end of this month.

im sloppy seconds.
im second to someone's first.
i am maybe not even the second.

but i cant stop caring either way,
im not hurt.
but i am hurt.

let's not name names.
let's just forget about all of the rules.

i know shit fuck shit shit cunttt dummy.

i havent posted in a while. im lame, you knew this already, and if not now youre informed.

so had super fun soiree at the house last nite. my new motherfucking digs. its a great place, im a great kid, i deserve it.

it was a thrasher though, im sore, my arms are killing me from fighting with boys. i do this occasionally, and i almost always regret it. i have tiny hands the circumference at which i can actually make a dent is tinnier you see, cause i have little hands, get it?

i woke up this morning yurked around the internet for a few and discovered an individual at said party had taken it upon themselves to brainstorm using my stickies application.

not inspired. now i have to go to my day job, and settle on the fact that tonight, baby b is going to bed early.

do i write about personal shit to you. 

do you want to hear about boys. 

do you want me to show you what Ive been looking at lately. 

I'm just unclear as to what you're even interested in. i also question how far i should take this and what the repercussions are. 

i will think about this more and dish later. 

I'm a firm but fair woman. i haven't always been that way either.

it's only recently that ive started to consider other people's feelings more than just sharing my jump-rope on the playground.

in lieu of this new desire to please and be pleased i've started to ask for the things i want, particularly to make things simple.

simple living is way less complicated by definition. but as a real experience tried and tested, i feel that simple living *almost always gets you laid.


i asked a dude i've been sleeping with out on a date. sleeping together has been pretty simple, and in that respect ive been following my own advice. now that ive initiated date mode though, even on a small scale, i could be running into complications. complications make for complicated living, it's a no brainer.

so with this being said, if im crabby in a week, the date did not happen/go well and i am now sex-less.

also furthermore, the dude i like doesnt dig me.


if, said dude, reads this at any point, please don't think i'm taking a shit on what we have.

*disregarding the ugly, the wretched, and the lame.

i'll tell you all about my misguided adventures..........